ALASKA, misrepresented in the media.

so, i recently went to alaska. sitka, to be exact.
i was a little disappointed, i must say...
i had recently seen a couple documentaries that made me pretty psyched to get up there.
the first was this:


the other was:


so i was pretty sure i'd be eaten by a vampire in the pitch black of noon, or i'd get to hang out with sandra bullock and hopefully her huge, black football-playing son.
negative.
there were no vampires. and the sun was out from 8 - 4. there was no sandra bullock or ryan reynolds. no black people. i did not see the deadliest catch. i did not sleep in an igloo with an eskimo. i didn't get to trade animal pelts for valuable shells and potatoes.
nor was i able to see russia from sarah palin's house.
seriously, alaska. what the fuck?

what i DID get to see was seriously beautiful country. BORING.
trees. snow-capped mountains. bald eagles. tiny islands. beauty. more beauty.
blech.

alaska is where people go to die in the wilderness in abandoned buses. or get eaten by a bear. or freeze to death in icy waters. or swim in a sea of oil. neat shit like that.
this is the alaska i was promised. this is not the alaska i was delivered.

so, alaska, i shake my fist at thee.

UNCLE JAKE!!

so, i'm gonna be an uncle. and i'm pretty psyched. my brother and his baby's momma - jessie - are gonna have a baby girl in february. that baby girl will be called charlotte kathryn. this is a pretty good name. it's not as good as jake, but it will do. until she's old enough to legally change it for herself. and she will no doubt then change it to jake.
i'm pretty sure i will be an amazing uncle. but just to make sure, i've been studying other great uncles:

(surely you recognize uncle buck)




(that is the classical musician uncle kracker)