ALASKA, misrepresented in the media.

so, i recently went to alaska. sitka, to be exact.
i was a little disappointed, i must say...
i had recently seen a couple documentaries that made me pretty psyched to get up there.
the first was this:


the other was:


so i was pretty sure i'd be eaten by a vampire in the pitch black of noon, or i'd get to hang out with sandra bullock and hopefully her huge, black football-playing son.
negative.
there were no vampires. and the sun was out from 8 - 4. there was no sandra bullock or ryan reynolds. no black people. i did not see the deadliest catch. i did not sleep in an igloo with an eskimo. i didn't get to trade animal pelts for valuable shells and potatoes.
nor was i able to see russia from sarah palin's house.
seriously, alaska. what the fuck?

what i DID get to see was seriously beautiful country. BORING.
trees. snow-capped mountains. bald eagles. tiny islands. beauty. more beauty.
blech.

alaska is where people go to die in the wilderness in abandoned buses. or get eaten by a bear. or freeze to death in icy waters. or swim in a sea of oil. neat shit like that.
this is the alaska i was promised. this is not the alaska i was delivered.

so, alaska, i shake my fist at thee.

UNCLE JAKE!!

so, i'm gonna be an uncle. and i'm pretty psyched. my brother and his baby's momma - jessie - are gonna have a baby girl in february. that baby girl will be called charlotte kathryn. this is a pretty good name. it's not as good as jake, but it will do. until she's old enough to legally change it for herself. and she will no doubt then change it to jake.
i'm pretty sure i will be an amazing uncle. but just to make sure, i've been studying other great uncles:

(surely you recognize uncle buck)




(that is the classical musician uncle kracker)

blood money

i recently became a world famous fashion model. soon i will be an icon. though it took me slaughtering millions of sheep to do it.
i will be in the upcoming smartwool catalog. and though i'm vegan and don't wear wool, i sold out for this opportunity.
but seriously, look how good they made me look.
(especially my face)

















and how about this one (for the ladies)
(the ladies who like to be creeped out)



















and now a cute and cuddly sheep:

housesitter, semi-professional

i moved out of a permanent residence on july 31st. today is november 9th. i have not had a "home" since. i have been sitting on houses for the past three months. and i even got paid to do it. they say you're "professional" if you get paid to do something. i could call myself a PROFESSIONAL housesitter, but the majority of the time, i've not been paid. so i'll settle for semi-professional. it's been crazy how it's worked out so far. people just keep going out of town. and when they go out of town, THEIR HOUSE IS EMPTY! but they ask me to stay there, so it's not illegal or anything. i'm no squatter. semi-professional housesitters balk at that term... is that an appropriate phrase to use there? "balk at that term?" i dunno. it doesn't sound right. i don't want to look like an idiot on here. anyway. i'm no squatter.
1. my first gig was at this madison park house belonging to my friend michael and his wife laura. it's a swanky spot with drawers that are freezers and a shower so large it doesn't need a door. they had some plants and a lawn i needed to water, so i had some serious responsibility.
2. let's see. then i think i slept in the back of my truck outside of my workplace. that's not housesitting, that's desperation. but it actually worked out just fine. my commute was super short and i had the wifis there.
3. then my friend gail went to canmore for a week with her baby and baby daddy. she lives on queen anne. a half block from trader joes! lucky for me, while they were in canmore, gail's baby got sick. REAL sick. so they had to stay an extra three weeks. thanks baby! so i stayed at trader joes for a month. i mean, i stayed at gail's for a month.
4. then some friends of mine, JG and Erika, went to sardinia for three weeks. they really like tiny, salty fish. they live in a house in magnolia and have a cat. there was no chair in front of their tv. my commute from there wasn't much further than when i was sleeping in my truck. their cat's name is rudy and he's a real talker. at certain times i wanted to punch him. especially when he wanted me to get up and hang out at 3 in the morning.
5. then my friends megan and marshall left their home for a month. they live in hjarta in ballard. it's perfect because my last name is hjorten. do you see how perfect it is? they have a jade plant. i watered it. it was stressful. i had to water it like twice a week. they also have a bidet. but it's more of a hose by the toilet. i only used it to drink from. i did not spray down my parts after my business. i also was nervous everytime i drove into and out of the parking garage. i have a large... truck. and it BARELY fit in there. i feared i would get it stuck every time i entered or exited. entered and exited. entered and exited.
6. now jg and erika are leaving again. just for the weekend. they have a new cat. otto. and a couch. the look on my face is excitement.
7. then my friend JT is going on the track cycling world cup tour. and i will stay at her house in wallingford. she leaves for a short bit, then comes home, then leaves for most of december. if you are a criminal and you know where JT lives and you are reading this, don't even think about breaking in, because i will be staying there. my only responsibilty at her house is to use her hot tub.
8. i also have a couple weeks in all of this where i will stay at michael's house again. with the freezer drawers and big shower.
when all of this is said and done, i will have to find a place to live. that will be january. or maybe i'll find another house to sit on then... anyway, by then it will be 5 months of being "homeless." you may find me by the road under the ballard bridge. you know, where 15th intersects leary, with a sign that says "unemployed housesitter looking for a house to sit." but then i might also need to put unemployed in quotations because i have a job. and i'm just looking for a housesitting opportunity. i wonder if all of that will fit on my sign?

bike rides

okay, since i can never remember how far rides are or how long they take, i made some notes and compiled a list of frequented routes. from ballard. and here it is:
ZOO HILL - 60 miles/3:30
BLACK DIAMOND - 85 miles/5:00
SNOQUALMIE FALLS - 80 miles/4:45 (out and back through issaquah)
NORTH END - 50 miles/3:00 (across 90 and over juanita hill)
NORTH END - 43 miles/2:50 (via messenger route, up and over 100th)
CARNATION - 78 miles/4:30 (via bellevue returning fall city)
SOUTH END - 45 miles/2:35
LAKE WASHINGTON - 60 miles/3:40
SEWARD PARK - 28 miles/1:45
TIGER MOUNTAIN - 72/4:15 (through issaquah and back via cedar river/renton)
MERCER ISLAND - 38 miles/2:10
MAY VALLEY - 70/4:00 (south end, up mcdonalds hill, returning through issaquah)

SOME RANDOM COMBINATIONS:
1. south end/mercer loop/north end/lake city - 71 miles/4:15
2. entire lake with lake city way finish - 55 miles/3:20
3. south end via seward, issaquah to tiger, to renton via cedar river, north end, juanita hill, burke from kenmore - 100 miles/5:50
4. north end via 90, over juanita to kenmore, back over juanita via 100th, back across 90 - 70 miles/4:00

proof that god hates me.

back in october of two thousand and nine i crashed on my bike and broke a bone in my hip. total rookie mistake, sliding out on some wet railroad tracks. no climbing for two months
in may of two thousand and ten, i was involved in the crash heard round the world. or at least heard around the dalles, oregon. i think i mentioned that in a previous post. separated ac joint in my shoulder. no climbing for three months.
in september of twenty ten, i developed a snapping lateral band in my finger. what? a ligament in my finger gets caught on my joint causing me great pain and frustration. could not bend finger. yeee-ouch. no climbing for two weeks.
and now just this month, october two zero one zero i pulled a muscle (?) in my chest. or maybe i broke a rib. or maybe i broke my heart. while gym climbing. hurts to breathe deeply. and move. no climbing for ????? so far it's three days later and i'm not climbing again.
besides all that, i have two bulging discs in my back. these assholes choose to spasm every 2-3 months. when this happens, i cannot stand up straight. must walk around like 87 year old woman. no climbing.
it appears as though i suffer from serious oldmanitis. or, if you were my father, you'd tell me it's because i don't eat meat.
so, it is very clear to me from this that god hates me.

oh, and just the other day my phone rang, and i say hello?
silence on the other end.
hello?
silence.
i hear you breathing, god.
silence.
god, i know it's you.
i hate you.
click.

oh, and i also got this note:

vegan hamburgers!

because i'm a pretty well respected food critic in the northwest...
here are the best places in the world in seattle to get vegan burgers:
(mostly in order of best to worst)
1. the counter burger in ballard - don't get the bun though, because it's not vegan. wtf? and the sweet potato fries are pretty delicious.
2. cafe flora in madison park - it comes with some sort of aioli and onions on it. and it is GOOD.
3. zak's in ballard
4. 74th street alehouse in phinney
5. people's pub in ballard - sunflower cutlet with a side of german potato salad. yes, please!
6. blue moon in fremont - this joint has half priced burgers on wednesdays. and getting anything half priced is a pretty sweet deal. unless it's cancer.
7*. zippy's in west seattle - this place gets an asterisk like barry bonds's home run record, not because it's on HGH, but because i've never eaten there. it's just come recommended.

my ego got kicked in the nuts.

or lee-go my ego.
which is a better title?
anyway. yesterday was the ballard twilight crit. an exciting bike race through the streets of historic ballard.
like an idiot, i didn't preregister. didn't even think to. and the cat 4/5 race filled the hell up. all 75 spots. you'd think that if there were 75 people signed up BEFORE the day of, and 30 more people on the wait list, they'd split the groups. race fours and rives separately. but that's not up to me.
so, anyway, i also qualify as a "master" because i'm at least 35. so, i decided to give that race a try. it's generally regarded as a safer and faster race than the 4/5 race. i definitely like the safer aspect. but the faster part? i was a bit worried going in, knowing that a lot of the masters were 1s and 2s. or just "old" guys that have been racing forever.
the race got off to a bad start in two ways:
first. before the race even started. i was standing around the finish line watching the cat 4/5 race and watched some guy crash. he didn't slide out or skid, or fall over. he flipped over his bars and slammed into the ground. where he lay motionless. on his stomach. he DIDN'T move. i guess he must've been unconscious. i dunno. he ultimately came around and was yelling for someone to help him. the paramedics had responded quickly and were doing their part. but it was disturbing for sure. and disheartening. the race was eventually stopped. and he was carted off on a back board. he gave a thumbs up on his way out. so, hopefully he'll be alright. probably sore as hell today. as i was watching that i thought i should go get my entry fee back and call it a day. still recovering from my crash. but then i reminded myself that the masters would be safer.
second. when our race started, like an idiot (again with the idiocy) i couldn't get clipped into my pedal. so as we took off from the start, i spent the entire time to the first corner only half pedaling, half trying to clip in. watching the pack pull away.
i spent the next few laps just trying to hang on, move up. anything. but with no luck. i couldn't catch back on. try as i might. some other folks and i got gapped and pulled from the race after about ten minutes.
here's a pic of me before the bottom fell out.

it was a blow to the ego for sure. especially after feeling pretty good in the crit i did on thursday.
i rode home with my tail between my legs and thoughts of selling my bike to look for a new sport.
what's next? i feel like i have to go back to the training drawing board and work on the fitness. i dunno. maybe i just have to race to be a better racer. but it sure leaves a bad taste in one's mouth when you can't even finish a race. it was reminiscent of the capital crit i did last year. my first race. same result. pulled. at least this time i didn't cry.
how's THAT for mental toughness?

the great crash of twenty ten

started with some jostling. some bumping of of shoulders. some breaking. then some crashing. some handlebars flying over-ing. some elbow slamming into ground-ing. some shoulder slamming in to ground also-ing. then some sliding to a stop on my butt-ing.
good times.
here's some photos:

and:

that's where my butt was. the road ate through my shorts and plenty of my skin.
and my elbow looked like this for a long time:

eeeeeewwwwwwwww.
well, it's been six weeks. i did my first bike race last night.
a bit more timid in the pack.
a bit more cautious.
but i'm back out there.
i'm back out there.

no g'news is good g'news with gary gnu

when i was a kid i used to watch the great space coaster and a gnu puppet would read the news. and his tagline was the title to this post.
i'm no gnu, but i have g'news.
since i last posted...
walla walla ended when my lover crashed in her race and broke her collarbone. i changed out of my spandex and into my nurse's uniform to care for her.
THEN, before she could even get back on her feet, i crashed in my next race and suffered and AC separation in my left shoulder - not to be confused with AC Slater from saved by the bell. oh the tragic irony of it all. so, my first two stage races ended early. when i crashed and messed up my shoulder i was about 30% of the way through the first race (of four). the worst of my injuries was the AC separation. but it was accompanied by plenty of road rash (i lost most of my butt) and a large gash to my elbow requiring stitches. the road rash is great because when it's all bloody and oozy it sticks to your clothes! and then you have to unstick it! and that feels like a bubble bath. if that bubble bath were a kick to the nuts.
i'm slowly on the mend from the crash. and my lover is well on the mend. i've ridden on the trainer a bit and will hopefully get back outside on the bike this week. just need to get some parts fixed. on the bike. thankfully the damage wasn't too extensive (jennifer broke her frame). anyway, the crashes sucked. we don't like time off. and i'll be out of climbing even longer than i'm out of cycling. and that's horseshit. i crashed my bike in october and broke a bone in my hip. then i crashed at cherry blossom. is someone trying to tell me something? or is bo jackson worried i'll steal his thunder?
i dunno, but it sure makes climbing seem safe.

blog management

where oh where have i been?
here

in regards to your 5 year old

every parent thinks their child is the best. it's only natural. it's also quite comical. working at a climbing gym i often get to hear about how physically gifted people's children are. and how they're so great at climbing EVERYthing. trees, walls, stairs, corporate ladders... i'm reminded of this as i spoke with a mother yesterday who's five year old is "LITERALLY a better climber than any ten year old" she's ever seen.
i wonder if my parents thought i was LITERALLY the best something...
i'm sure...

my first stage race!

the tour of walla walla 2010.
two days, three races. 6000 miles!
jk just kidding. three races in two days, yes, but not quite 6000 miles.
day one is tomorrow, saturday, and has us doing a 9 mile time trial and later in the day a 25 minute criterium.
on sunday we'll do a 58 mile road race.
i'm not too worried about the road race as i've done a few of those. i've never done a time trial. and it's been a while since i've ridden a crit.
but as is the case with every race i do, i'm nervous as hell. and this one makes me tripley nervous. it'll be fun and a good experience to see what i need to work on and how i handle multiple races in multiple days. so i'm excited and scared.
oh, and my second stage race is NEXT weekend.

bo jackson!

the greatest two-sport athlete of all time. except maybe jim thorpe. and myself.

on blogging

everyone in this day and age blogs. so i'm going to as well. but my blog will be better than everyone else's blog. those other blogs suck. like the ones with pictures of cats. or the ones with porn you can look at while you're at work. or blogs about the color green. or the blog about that one guy that paints. man, those blogs are tired and mostly retarded [forgive me, retarded readers, if i offended you. i just used the word "retarded" to signify something that was dumb or gay (crap! sorry to you, my homosexual audience, as i used the word "gay" to signify something that's unenjoyable or a waste)]. anyway. what i'm trying to say is that my blog is gonna be super bitchen. and will be about stuff like rock climbing, and bike racing, and drinking PBR, and flexing in the mirror, and love, and meerkats, and working.

we all have our toast